Sunday, December 5, 2010
Home Is Where The Heart Is
They say that "home is where the heart is" ... but I feel that I haven't found my home. Not yet. I will someday, and I know that when I do I'll finally feel at peace.
Have you ever had that feeling that you get when you've been sitting at home for three days straight, not really going out except for smokes-and-junk-food runs, and all of a sudden you become increasingly restless and tired of waking up to the same scenery over and again? That's how I've been feeling lately. I don't know if it's because it's currently winter and I go near-mental during these cold months or whether I'm actually restless and aching for adventure, but I have been dying to take in new air of a place that I haven't been to yet. I'm literally getting sick and tired of having the same thing happen every day. Wake up, smoke, eat cake, smoke, get into the shower, watch Mom go to work (or say good-bye to her if going to school), smoke, eat lunch, smoke, play around on my computer (or jump into studies), smoke, sit at home for the next little while before I get hungry, eat supper, smoke, do dishes, smoke, go to bed restless. It's literally the same thing every day and I'm getting fed up. I want to see new things. I hate being bored. I'd rather be busy and keep myself occupied (even though I'm losing energy and money for those activities) but as of now, there is virtually nothing to do that involves getting out of the house. And God forbid you should spend too long outside because then your nose gets froze and your ears start to ache. Oh Lordy, I wish I was rich so I could travel.
It's funny how the mind wanders when you don't have anyone to talk to.
That's another thing that's been bugging me. Like, seriously bothering me because I get panicky when this happens. I know that since my jaw surgery I have been terribly uncomfortable with my face. I think the thing that I'm most peeved at is that before going into jaw surgery, I had finally reached a certain distinction of looks that I had become quite happy and comfortable with, and now I'm back at the bottom trying to work my way back to feeling comfortable again. I think in this process of falling again, I've more or less pushed away my friends (even though I'm desperate to hang out with some) and now I'm either too boring and mutual or I've done something terribly wrong that makes people to kind of cringe at the thought of talking to me or whatever. It's seriously scaring me and I wake up in the morning, after thinking about cigarettes, thinking about how lonely I am. In a way, it is very sad that my cell phone literally sits around like a tired cat without so much a buzz because I got a new text message or a new incoming call; I only have one person that will willingly call me up if there's time and that's Erin for JCI, and even then she's just being kind (although she did say that she was my new BFF, which I'm kind of questioning and giggling about).
Even though I have school to keep me somewhat occupied, it's not the same pouring your thoughts about a stupid question to a piece of paper to be marked by a teacher whenever they can get to it (it's funny how some teachers will literally procrastinate marking). Just that thought alone, neutrally answering question after question makes me sad -- I don't want to be that person. I still want to be the person that people know and love, the up-beat, positive and funny one.
Sigh. Oh well. I guess when I move to Vancouver, that'll be my time to clear my name and start all over again.
Speaking of going to Vancouver, my mother literally throws panic attacks every time I mention it -- "You can't live on your own in Vancouver!! It's expensive to live there!" According to her, it's expensive to live anywhere, but then again, this is coming from a woman who hasn't worked a full-time job in nearly 20 years. First off, I will admit that yes, it can be expensive to live in Vancouver, but I have to start somewhere, and maybe if I can save up enough money before moving to Vancouver and I can get a car, maybe I'll commute to Vancouver from a smaller town on the outskirts of Van. Who knows? I'd rather live in the hub-bub of the city. It'd be much more exciting in my opinion. As well, it'd probably help to take the edge off my need for adventure. Oh, how my heart flutters at the thought of all the shops I can go into and browse! That's the other thing I'm excited about - there's more places to shop. Although I think I'll have to start creating a fashionable wardrobe from second-hand stores, which I don't have a problem with. You can find the most coolest outfits from second-hand stores!
Okay. I'm in desperate need of a cigarette and a shower so I shall talk to you guys later! I just needed to get those things off my chest before I rant to an innocent bystander about my future... And my present state of mind.
Stay gold!
- Colten.
xoxoxo
Have you ever had that feeling that you get when you've been sitting at home for three days straight, not really going out except for smokes-and-junk-food runs, and all of a sudden you become increasingly restless and tired of waking up to the same scenery over and again? That's how I've been feeling lately. I don't know if it's because it's currently winter and I go near-mental during these cold months or whether I'm actually restless and aching for adventure, but I have been dying to take in new air of a place that I haven't been to yet. I'm literally getting sick and tired of having the same thing happen every day. Wake up, smoke, eat cake, smoke, get into the shower, watch Mom go to work (or say good-bye to her if going to school), smoke, eat lunch, smoke, play around on my computer (or jump into studies), smoke, sit at home for the next little while before I get hungry, eat supper, smoke, do dishes, smoke, go to bed restless. It's literally the same thing every day and I'm getting fed up. I want to see new things. I hate being bored. I'd rather be busy and keep myself occupied (even though I'm losing energy and money for those activities) but as of now, there is virtually nothing to do that involves getting out of the house. And God forbid you should spend too long outside because then your nose gets froze and your ears start to ache. Oh Lordy, I wish I was rich so I could travel.
It's funny how the mind wanders when you don't have anyone to talk to.
That's another thing that's been bugging me. Like, seriously bothering me because I get panicky when this happens. I know that since my jaw surgery I have been terribly uncomfortable with my face. I think the thing that I'm most peeved at is that before going into jaw surgery, I had finally reached a certain distinction of looks that I had become quite happy and comfortable with, and now I'm back at the bottom trying to work my way back to feeling comfortable again. I think in this process of falling again, I've more or less pushed away my friends (even though I'm desperate to hang out with some) and now I'm either too boring and mutual or I've done something terribly wrong that makes people to kind of cringe at the thought of talking to me or whatever. It's seriously scaring me and I wake up in the morning, after thinking about cigarettes, thinking about how lonely I am. In a way, it is very sad that my cell phone literally sits around like a tired cat without so much a buzz because I got a new text message or a new incoming call; I only have one person that will willingly call me up if there's time and that's Erin for JCI, and even then she's just being kind (although she did say that she was my new BFF, which I'm kind of questioning and giggling about).
Even though I have school to keep me somewhat occupied, it's not the same pouring your thoughts about a stupid question to a piece of paper to be marked by a teacher whenever they can get to it (it's funny how some teachers will literally procrastinate marking). Just that thought alone, neutrally answering question after question makes me sad -- I don't want to be that person. I still want to be the person that people know and love, the up-beat, positive and funny one.
Sigh. Oh well. I guess when I move to Vancouver, that'll be my time to clear my name and start all over again.
Speaking of going to Vancouver, my mother literally throws panic attacks every time I mention it -- "You can't live on your own in Vancouver!! It's expensive to live there!" According to her, it's expensive to live anywhere, but then again, this is coming from a woman who hasn't worked a full-time job in nearly 20 years. First off, I will admit that yes, it can be expensive to live in Vancouver, but I have to start somewhere, and maybe if I can save up enough money before moving to Vancouver and I can get a car, maybe I'll commute to Vancouver from a smaller town on the outskirts of Van. Who knows? I'd rather live in the hub-bub of the city. It'd be much more exciting in my opinion. As well, it'd probably help to take the edge off my need for adventure. Oh, how my heart flutters at the thought of all the shops I can go into and browse! That's the other thing I'm excited about - there's more places to shop. Although I think I'll have to start creating a fashionable wardrobe from second-hand stores, which I don't have a problem with. You can find the most coolest outfits from second-hand stores!
Okay. I'm in desperate need of a cigarette and a shower so I shall talk to you guys later! I just needed to get those things off my chest before I rant to an innocent bystander about my future... And my present state of mind.
Stay gold!
- Colten.
xoxoxo
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